....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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