Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
