Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
