Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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