Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
