so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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