I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
