thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
