Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
