my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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