I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
