We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
