So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
