how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
