Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
