If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
