our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
