Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
