alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
