my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
