my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
