What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
