mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
