I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
