I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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