I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
