remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
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