Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
