my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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