ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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