the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
