I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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