i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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