dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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