why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
