I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
