He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
