i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
