DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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