I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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