First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
