I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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