the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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