My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
