all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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