hell yes lets make some ravioli
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
