tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
