The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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