why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
