I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
