If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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